


Cape May

by codewordpumpkin



Category: The Blacklist (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21977527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codewordpumpkin/pseuds/codewordpumpkin
Summary: "I am death to her."Devastated by the belief that Agnes will never be safe as long as she is in her life, Elizabeth makes a heartbreaking decision.Maybe for the last time.
Relationships: Elizabeth Keen/Raymond Reddington
Comments: 21
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To counter all of the holiday fluff, here is a heavy dose of angst. Not too soon, right?

She had just gotten her daughter back.

First, tragedy had struck—quite literally—and she had fallen prisoner to a coma that had lasted ten whole months. She had not wanted to believe it. The words coming from Raymond’s mouth had sounded foreign. Perhaps she had heard him wrong. With his dry lips pressed to her limp hand and his voice choking up painfully, surely it was entirely plausible that the muffled number had come out distorted. The tightening of his grip and the wetness in his eyes, however, had not allowed her to deny it: Ten _fucking_ months.

Her baby’s first words, first steps… She had missed them all.

Then… grief.

Although it had taken her some time, she’d realized that it hadn’t been Tom himself that she had mourned. Rather, she had felt an aching loss at the fact that her fantasy, the family she had always dreamed and worked for, had shattered. And it certainly hadn’t helped that, upon waking, she had been forced to accept that her body wasn’t what it’d once been. Lying prone in a bed for nearly a year had taken its toll, and rehabilitating her deteriorated muscles had seemed utterly impossible, the pain of each little movement exhausting her to the point of breaking down and weeping.

How could she take care of her little girl when she couldn’t even take care of herself?

It had just been too much.

And so, for months, she had holed up in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere. It hadn’t exactly been easy, but it had been _easier_. Everything had been so much simpler. Up there, she hadn’t had the burdens of Elizabeth Keen weighing her down and suffocating her. She’d only had her own body as her enemy, and it had given her something to focus on. There, she had been a nobody with no real life, but she’d had a goal—something to look forward to when she shut her eyes at night, to get her out of bed in the morning:

She was going to get better. Stronger.

And, eventually, after grueling hikes and runs, chopping wood, having no one but herself to devote her attention to, that was exactly what she had done.

She had been ready to become Elizabeth Keen again.

To become a mother again.

Naturally, there had been a short adjustment period on both ends, but even with blenders exploding and smoke detectors screeching, broken crayons and ripped tissues scattered about, her apartment more mess than floor, at the end of the day, she had just been so thrilled to have her daughter back.

Good things never lasted for long.

Not for her, anyway.

Just as they had gotten into a routine, just as a modicum of normalcy had begun to settle their historically chaotic lives, people had come after her. Again. And these people hadn’t been annoyed neighbors making noise complaints, nor were they determined telemarketers or angry parents. She would have been grateful for something that ordinary.

No, these people had been more monster than human.

They had been criminals. Killers.

After a morning of stacking blocks and coloring indecipherable blobs, she had just been about to put Agnes down for her nap. But the front door had crashed open, and before she could do anything more than hold her crying toddler just a little more tightly, a group of thugs who hadn’t even bothered to wear masks—the implications had been chillingly clear—had surrounded her, guns aimed alarmingly close to the little head that smelled like strawberries.

“Please,” she’d croaked, “let me… My daughter… Let me just—”

Her cracking voice hadn’t allowed her to finish, but they had apparently understood her intent just the same. Agnes hadn’t made it easy, reaching for and clawing at her, but she had eventually been able to put her down on the bed, pressing a firm but trembling kiss against her temple. It had broken her heart to leave her there as the men roughly guided her out, yet she had been helpless to do otherwise.

The familiar sound of silenced gunshots had rung out.

For a moment, she hadn’t been able to blink, to breathe. Not understanding what had just happened, she had stood there, frozen, until a concerned face appeared before her, his silver hair pulled back in a sleek ponytail. The surprisingly gentle hand on her shoulder had shocked her back to awareness, and with a confusing mix of both panic and relief raging through her veins, she’d stepped around and over the bleeding bodies staining her floors, heading straight for—

_Agnes._

Seeing her little girl wailing and screaming, calling for her _momma_ as her delicate skin grew flushed and blotchy, she knew right then…

Nothing like this could ever happen again.

She would make sure of it.


	2. Chapter 2

No answer.

He tried again, knocking louder this time.

… Nothing.

Not even a single—

“Hello, dear.”

Raymond spun around, surprised to see Elizabeth’s neighbor standing behind her partially open door. “Hello,” he greeted, hoping his impatience didn’t show. “May I help you?’

Mrs. Monzewski shook her head. “Are you looking for Elizabeth?”

“Yes, but it seems she isn’t home.”

“She didn’t tell you?”

Dread began to pool in his gut. “Tell me…”

“About her moving to Nebraska.” The older woman looked uncomfortable breaking the news. “She said she wanted Agnes to grow up where she was raised.”

Nodding stiffly, he was pretty sure he thanked her or said goodnight or mumbled some excuse that allowed him to walk away as fast as he could, his pace swift and unfaltering until he was back in the car.

“That was fast,” Dembe said, eyeing him through the rearview mirror.

“Call Harold.” Taking the phone from his friend’s hand, he pressed it flush against his ear. As soon as the line connected, he barked, “When were you going to tell me?”

“What are you talking about?” Cooper asked, the frown evident in his voice.

“ _Elizabeth’s resignation_.”

“That’s a little dramatic, isn’t it?” When he was met with fuming silence, he continued, “Agent Keen requested a few days off—which I approved. Now, what is this really a—“

Red hung up.

“Call Chang. I want to know everywhere Elizabeth went from the second she stepped out of her apartment. Tell him to use footage from every street cam available. Now.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Everything.”

***

Exactly an hour—the deadline Raymond had given—had passed by the time Dembe came in with an update.

“Chang sent the footage of Elizabeth.”

Watching the scenes play out, his focus never wavered as he observed her walking out with Agnes, strapping her into the carseat, dropping her off at the nursery… Instead of driving off right away, Elizabeth stayed parked for a long while, her head in her hands and her shoulders shaking and her fists gripping the wheel until her knuckles bled white. Then, finally, she drove out of the lot, onto the road, and straight to a highway—

A highway that did _not_ lead to Nebraska.

And she never went back for Agnes.

“Did he get a trace on her phone?”

“She turned it off before she left the apartment.”

It didn’t matter.

He already knew where she must have gone.

He just hoped he wasn’t too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so I know this was a tinyyyy update, but take it as a sign of good faith? I promise I WILL complete this fic. Hopefully sooner rather than later!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to those of you who occasionally popped in to remind me that this fic does indeed still exist. I intended for this to be a three-parter, but it seems there will be one more update after this (that's the plan, anyway).

Raymond didn’t wait for the car to stop before running out and down the sandy beach, his heart pounding more so because of worry and panic than the physical exertion of his desperate search.

His knees almost buckled when he saw her, standing still as a statue just at the water’s edge. She looked like a ghost: pale, vacant, lifeless. And yet, she was beautiful. She was _alive_. He hadn’t lost her—she was _right there_.

He wanted to weep.

So, for a few moments—how long those moments were, he hadn’t the faintest idea—he allowed himself to indulge in the almost painful relief, to simply stare at her from afar and convince himself that this—that _she_ —was indeed real.

And then she moved.

Blinking furiously, jaw slack and mouth gaping, he tried to make sense of the terrifying sight before him, helpless to do anything but watch dumbly as she began to methodically undress: her shoes, socks, jacket, shirt, jeans… all falling to the ground like ash, surrounding her trembling form like a halo.

It was only when she was walking into the ocean that he was able to move—no, not simply move, but run, _sprint_ as fast as he could, doing his best to pump cold, frigid air into his shocked lungs. He wanted to call out to her, to cry out her name, to demand that she _stop_. And in his mind, he did—countless times until he felt he was choking.

And then, finally, _finally_ , he was there, too.

His soaked clothes weighed him down heavily, but the adrenaline kept his body on auto-pilot until he could hook his arms around her waist and drag her out before the waves swallowed her whole.

She didn’t make things easy.

_When did she ever?_

She fought him.

_When did she not?_

But she was weakened—by the elements and her emotions both.

And he was determined: either they both made it out of there, or they both—

No, no.

There was Agnes to think about.

With that thought, and now finally on soft, dry sand, he draped his ruined jacket over her violently shivering form and used what was left of his strength to carry her indoors.

He had no idea what he was going to say to her—or what she might say to him—but none of that mattered at the moment. Talking could wait.

He needed to make her warm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice some borrowed lines from the Cape May ep!

Elizabeth was alive, safe.

She was here right in front of him… and yet she couldn’t be further away.

There was a blankness to her glazed eyes that worried him. Her skin pale and freezing, he had taken her straight to the bathroom, where her chattering teeth and the strong rush of water were the only sounds to be heard. Finally, with the tub full and steaming, he stood toe-to-toe with her and debated for a moment on how he should go about his next actions. It didn't take long for him to make a decision. Doing his best to keep his gaze and touch fleeting and impersonal, he quickly stripped her of her undergarments, the sopping pieces slapping against the tiled floor.

Gently depositing her into the tub, he watched her bring her knees to her chest and her chin to her knees before he plopped onto the nearby stool, facing away from her to give her some privacy. He made sure to keep her in his peripheral, though, because… because he couldn’t bring himself to lose sight of her completely. Not yet. Not now. Who knew what she might try to do with his back turned—

“You shouldn’t have come here.”

He flinched at the sound of her voice, so hollow and broken and unexpected—he had been so sure he would have to be the one to instigate any conversation—but forced his eyes to stay trained on the wall. Swallowing what felt like his entire throbbing, aching heart, he began to speak, the deep timbre of his voice deceptively calm. “Have you ever seen the aftermath of a suicide bombing?” He didn’t wait for her to reply—not that he even thought she would. “I have. June 29, 2003. I was meeting two associates at the Marouche restaurant in Tel Aviv. As my car was pulling up, a 20-year-old Palestinian named Ghazi Safar entered the restaurant and detonated a vest wired with C4. The shock wave knocked me flat, blew out my eardrums. I couldn’t hear. The smoke…” He felt the muscle beneath his eye twitch, his trimmed nails biting into his tense thighs. “It was like being underwater. I went inside. A nightmare. Blood. Parts of people. You could tell where Safar was standing when the vest blew. It was like a perfect circle of death. There was almost nothing left of the people closest to him. 17 dead, 46 injured. Blown to pieces. The closer they were to the bomber, the more horrific the effect.”

“Stop.”

“That’s every suicide,” he continued, as if he hadn’t heard her. “Every single one. An act of terror perpetrated against everyone who’s ever known you—everyone who’s ever loved you. The people closest to you… the ones who cherish you—”

“I said, stop!”

He didn’t.

“—Are the ones who suffer the most pain, the most damage.” She was the one who had chosen to walk into the ocean, so why did he feel like the one who was drowning? “Why would you do that, Elizabeth? Why would you do that to the people who love you?”

“I—“

“How could you do that to Agnes?”

_How could you do that to me?_

“I have no choice!”

This time, he allowed himself to slowly turn and face her, ignoring the water that splashed to the floor with her sudden outburst. “There’s always a choice.”

“Is there?” she choked out, salt caking her tongue and burning her eyes, staining her cheeks like blood. “As long as I draw breath, as long as I continue to exist, her life will be in danger. She will be hunted, and she will be killed. _Agnes…_ ” Sobbing into her trembling hands, her next words came out muffled, yet they were heard all the same, the finality of her statement gutting them both. “I am her mother… _and_ _I am death to her_.”

“Elizabeth…”

“I never wanted this.”

“I know.”

“Then go. Please,” she pleaded, voice just barely squeezing past the tightness of her throat. “Don’t make this any harder.”

“I can’t.”

“You’ve always tried to save me, Red, and… You _would_ be saving me—by saving her.” When he didn’t respond—couldn’t, really—she continued, “You chose the child once before. You can do it again. I… I don’t know if it was the right choice back then, but this time it would—“

“You were the right choice, Lizzie.” Shaking his head, he bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted copper. “You were always the right choice.”

“Red, I… This can all end with me.”

“You are my life. My _heart_. If you were to…” Hot rivulets streamed down his face, but he wasn’t even aware of them as he dropped to his knees beside the tub, cradling her face in his palms and forcing her to acknowledge this one simple truth. “There would be nothing left of me, Elizabeth.” 

Crumpling under the magnitude of his pain, his _love_ , she buried her face in the crook of his neck and allowed him to wrap his arms around her, his fingers digging into the bare flesh of her back, pulling her as close as humanly possible as their chests moved together with each ragged breath.

What felt like hours passed before the tears finally stemmed and dried. Noticing how cold the water had become, Red immediately drained the tub and dried Elizabeth with the biggest towel he could find.

There were no extra clothes, but plenty of blankets.

And so, here they were, both naked and in bed… but nothing about it was sexual. Though they weren’t touching, a shared warmth radiated between them, and they were content to stay like that, lying on their sides and facing each other.

It was enough that they were here together.

It was enough for now.

Just as Elizabeth began to succumb to the day’s exhaustion, she confessed, “Raymond, I do love…”

Smiling, he shut his eyes and followed her into sleep.

And when morning came, neither would admit that they dreamed of a walk in the park, with their little girl between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished! This took me way longer than necessary, tbh. But I hope you enjoyed! Thanks to those of you for sticking with this story and not letting me abandon it!


End file.
